Content warning: This post discusses eating disorders. If you need help, please call the National Eating Disorder Association’s helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or use their online chat. 

I’ll never forget the moment in early 2020 when I finished writing my eating disorder journey memoir. The manuscript was edited and proofread, and I was sending it to be laid out as an actual book. My eyes filled with tears as the immensity of what I had accomplished fell before me in my hands. A real book that literally took blood, sweat, and tears to write. I was both proud and relieved to have finished.

And then it hit me — WHAT HAVE I DONE? I’m about to put out there, for anyone to read, all of the dirty laundry of my life. The ins and outs, in great detail, of 30 years of compulsive overeating, bingeing, and emotional eating and my subsequent recovery. All the disgusting things I did with food, how I gorged myself, how I ate out of the trash, how devouring I was, and how I let my ex-husband mentally and emotionally abuse me.  

Anyone who chose to read my book would judge me. What would people think of me after learning that I cared more about food than people in my life?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

The unexpected response to my book

Actually? I had done something pretty cool. The most surprising and beautiful thing happened. I received support. So much support and kindness. Not one bit of negativity or harsh judgment about how disgusting I was or how spineless I was to have spent eight years with someone who treated me horribly. Another surprise — people were buying my book and reading it, which seemed ludicrous.

People were proud of me for sharing my story. They said I was brave and strong. Me? Brave and strong? No, no, I was the exact opposite. If I had been brave and strong, I would’ve never abused food and my body, or spent more than one day being emotionally abused.

Friends and acquaintances reached out both publicly and privately to applaud publishing my story. Some told me they related to my story. A few people shared they understood for the first time in their lives that they also had an eating disorder. Others told me I inspired them. What? I and my sad story positively encouraged them?

Over a few weeks, it slowly dawned on me that my story was one of hope. A story about overcoming odds. A narrative that people could relate to. Some even likened it to a hero’s journey.  

The private messages started to trickle in… Your mom (the primary source of my ED) was the same as my mom! Did we grow up in the same house? And then people started asking for help, my advice. I learned just how prevalent eating disorders were, are. It made me feel less alone, but it made me sad.  

That sadness turned into, “Wow, this is much bigger than me; there’s a real problem out there. How can I help?” I now understood I was paying my recovery forward by writing the book and subsequent articles I wrote for various publications. I created an Instagram account to help encourage people to fight and seek recovery. I posted stories people could relate to and tried to educate viewers. I wanted others struggling to know that they weren’t alone, just as I had felt alone when I was battling.

What I’ve learned about eating disorders along the way

Some statistics I learned along the way:

• One person dies every hour from a complication of an eating disorder.  
• The prevalence of eating disorders in children is rising, and there’s been a 119% increase in hospitalizations for children under 12 with eating disorders.
• Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of a mental disorder at 10%.
• The most common eating disorder in the U.S. is binge eating disorder.
• The most common eating disorder among men is binge eating disorder.
• Only 10% of people with an eating disorder get treatment because they fear the stigma of receiving treatment.

Finding a new purpose in life

Those stats are frightening! But now, I can help. In my low 50s, I finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to help those struggling with an eating disorder. To that end, along with posting on Insta, I took a course to become an eating disorder recovery coach and began to see clients.

I’ve never done a job so rewarding in my life. This is what I was meant to do.

It was a long and painful road to get to this point of knowing what I wanted to contribute to this world. I’m inspired by a quote from Pablo Picasso: “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” 

I know I’ve found my meaning. My goal is to reach back into the fire and help pull others out from this nasty sickness, one at a time.