Content warning: This article mentions body image, which may be triggering for some people. If you struggle with disordered body image, please seek professional help and support from the National Eating Disorders Association or contact a dietician who specializes in body image and eating disorders.

“I hate my body.” Wow, a powerful statement, and not in a good way. Ugh, okay, so here’s the thing — it’s not that I hate my body, but I don’t love it either. 

There are moments when I’m so grateful that I can do the most basic of things. Things that many of us probably never even think about or take for granted. If you’re lucky enough to have your health, you can probably do things like breathe, go to the bathroom on your own without any assistance, see (in color too), smell, taste, and walk all on your own. Heck, if you’re really blessed with health you may even be able to run or work out and do some crazy a$$ sh*t all because you have a healthy body — and that’s freaking amazing.

These are the moments when I think to myself, “Wow,  I really love my body, it does so much for me every single day.” But just wait one minute and I guarantee you I can find something I dislike about my body —then I’m right back to disliking it again.

I’m not alone. Research shows that up to 84% of American women experience body dissatisfaction in their lifetimes. All of this back and forth begs the question: Can you love your body and want to change it at the same time?

Loving your body

As much as my Type A personality loves all or nothing, black or white, yes or no, when it comes to loving your body and wanting to change it, I think the two can coexist whether we want them to or not. Thinking that you can only have one over the other, in my opinion, and from my personal experience, is the impetus of inner conflict and misguided thinking. 

I think when it comes to your body, you can want to change it because you love it. It all depends on where this place of change is coming from, though.

Healthy urges to change your body are motivated by love-based things like hoping to heal a physical ailment, wanting to move through the world with more ease and energy, or perhaps simply wanting to live longer. However, wanting to change your body when you’re coming from a place of harsh self-criticism or seeking change in the hopes of social praise may be rooted in a different space — a not-so-loving space. 

Domonique Bertolucci, author of a self-help book on female friendship called The Kindness Pact, explains this concept in more detail. “The way to tell the difference between low self-esteem and a healthy desire for improvement is to listen to your self-talk,” she says. “If you want to change your diet or increase your exercise regime out of love and respect for your body, a desire to feel more vital or energetic or to live a longer or better life, go for it. But if you find yourself thinking that ‘everything’ will be better in your life when you lose weight [or want to change your body], it’s a big warning sign that you are doing it for the wrong reasons.”

Wow. That. Is. Deep.

“Sometimes there is the perception that if we love something or someone it means that we must love it with all that it brings, and this is not so,” shares Aura De Los Santos, clinical psychologist and educational psychologist with more than nine years of experience helping clients with their mental health and well-being. “Loving our body as it is does not mean that wanting to change something is synonymous with not liking it as it is. Changing is also a form of love, where we see that there are things we can improve and we do it because we love ourselves. If we think that loving our bodies means not wanting to change anything, we will limit ourselves to the positive possibilities that changes bring.”

My mind is blown right now.

De Los Santos goes on to say: “A person who has healthy self-esteem can accept themselves as they are and at the same time want to change something. Doing what makes us feel good is a way of loving ourselves.”

What’s more, she adds that the important thing is that whatever kind of change we want to make is to understand that love first starts on the inside and that the outside is secondary.

Your body isn’t an apology

The whole purpose of us having a body is for us to feel good. Our bodies are where our divine nature resides. Loving your body and wanting to change it can coexist, though it’s easier said than done. Believe me, I get it. Here are a few tips from De Los Santos on how you can begin to love your body even if you want to change it.

• Identify the reasons for the change you want to make. Making changes isn’t a bad thing, but analyze what reasons lead you to want to change something about yourself. If you want to make changes in your body that could be beneficial to your health, it’s valid to do so; but if those changes come because you don’t like what you see, you have to think about it.
• Recognize that loving ourselves isn’t a limitation to change. Being aware of the change you want to make is a form of love because you know the reasons why you want to make changes. The only person who should feel comfortable with the changes you want to make is you. Don’t let outside voices make you see that you need to make changes. You know what things you like, and if you want to change something, it doesn’t mean that you stopped liking it.
• First focus on internal change. Loving our bodies is something that first starts with loving ourselves for who we are. Understand our human nature, knowing that it’s normal to find days when we don’t like what we see. Develop a healthy self-esteem that allows us to understand that we’re not perfect but we do have great value. When we love ourselves first on the inside, loving ourselves on the outside will always be easier.

The bottom line on loving your body

Whether you love your body or you have days when you’re not loving your body, remember that your body isn’t an apology. You can still love it and want to change it all at the same time.

Though the two concepts may seem contradictory in nature, the dichotomy of the two holds a juxtaposition of some sort that challenges the societal norms of if you love something, you shouldn’t want to change it. However, that argument simply doesn’t hold true in a manner so complex as loving your body.

As long as you know your desire for change is rooted in love, you can begin to change and work on yourself all while still loving yourself at the exact same time.