We have family and we have friends. We even have family friends — but what about being friends with family members? I hear it can happen.

I’ve never been close with my mom’s side of the family, and after a ridiculously and unnecessarily dramatic Christmas season this past December with my dad’s side of the family (I won’t name names, but boy, would I love to), it occurred to me — I don’t have to be friends with my family. Talk about a life-altering concept! Why try to be friends with family when it’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? It’s absolutely asinine and not worth any of my effort, time, and well-being. (Preach!)

Whether you find yourself saying, “What if I don’t like my family,” or maybe you’re like me and are so sick of trying to be friends with family when clearly it’s just not meant to be, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to be friends with your family. It’s perfectly okay — and here’s why.

What if I don’t like my family?

Some people can share close connections with children, siblings, and spouses as well as other family members like extended family. That’s all well and good — great even — but what if you find yourself asking, “What if I don’t like my family?” Maybe you’re like me and it’s not necessarily a matter of not liking your entire family but rather a few family members who you really wish you could do without. (Like seriously, buh-bye!)

First of all, you’re not alone (umm, hello, look at me). Lauren Cook-McKay, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the vice president of marketing at Divorce Answers, shares that not befriending immediate or extended family members isn’t uncommon.

“Family relationships can be complex and can involve a wide range of emotions, and people may have different interests, personalities, and values that can create conflicts or distance in relationships,” she says. She adds that being friends with family members, regardless of what degree, compounds that complexity even more.

When it comes to family relationships, many people believe they should always be close and friendly, explains Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Couples Candy. However, this isn’t always the case. “It is perfectly okay to not be friends with your family,” she says. “In fact, it can often be healthier for both parties if they maintain a more distant relationship.” Tell me more.

Harrison says in some cases, there are natural divides between family members due to age or personality differences that prevent them from forming strong bonds. Other times, family members feel it would be best to keep a certain distance from one another. This may be due to the fact that they have similar personalities or are prone to conflict with each other.

What about people who marry into the family? “It is perfectly acceptable to not be friends with family members that marry into the family,” reports Harrison. “After all, relationships should be based on mutual respect and understanding.”

Cook-McKay agrees. “Family dynamics can be complex so it all falls down on being aware of different boundaries and expectations when it comes to forming relationships and not forcing a relationship if it is not mutual,” she says.

Friends with family or not friends with the family: the ultimate dilemma

Okay, so what if you don’t like your family? Are you screwed? On the contrary, you may be better off in the long run.

In 2017, William Chopik, assistant professor of psychology at Michigan State University, wrote: “A few studies show that we often enjoy our time with friends more than with family. We do leisurely things with friends, whereas family events are often serious or maybe a little monotonous.”

Relationships with family often come with obligations, which can feel forced and unenjoyable. (Cue Christmas.) On the other hand, time spent with friends can be much more pleasant because you’re actively choosing to be there and participate.

This research indicated that friendships predict better health outcomes for adults than familial relationships. Basically, what I’m saying is if you want better health, make good friends and spend more time with them — and maybe, like me, choose to spend less time with your family.

Chopik continued: “The general point is that the more support, the more positive interactions, the better. The important thing is having people you can rely on, for the good times and the bad.” However, if you can’t find positive interactions or support in family ties, you don’t have to be friends with your family just because they’re “family.” (Air quotes for a reason.)

Think about it. You wouldn’t choose to spend your precious energy and time with people who are conniving, low-brow, and rude, would you? Absolutely not — and just because they’re “family” isn’t a good enough reason to do so. Your emotional health and mental well-being are far more important than spending time with people simply because you happen to share some segments and strands of DNA with them or your actual family members decided to marry them.

The bottom line: you don’t have to be friends with your family

If you’re friends with your family, then that’s great — and I’m not going to lie, part of me is a little jelly bean and wishes that for me too. But if you find yourself in the same boat as me asking the very question, “What if I don’t like my family,” get in line because you’re not alone.

It’s perfectly natural and even normal not to be friends with your family. Instead, focus on cultivating your energy and time on relationships with friends and other people that fill you up and make you a better person.